I live life on my own terms.
I make my own decisions.
I set my own goals.
I choose my own methods of achieving them.
I take my life where I want it to go (or at least steer it in that direction)
I am in the driver's seat.

My thoughts are mine.
What I say, is a product of what I think.
What I do, is a product of what I think.
I am a product of what I think.

You can't tell me what to do.
You can't tell me what to say.
You can't tell me how to think.

I have spent a large chunk of my life confident that all of the above is true. Even when I knew I was being influenced, I told myself that I was only taking advice and that this was what I wanted. Decisions were still mine.

It felt good. It seemed to empower me knowing that I, and only I, was in control of my life. The credit was all mine, the blame was all mine. No one else had anything to do with the way I ran MY life.

Enter sociology.

Nothing was allowed to be "just because!". Nothing was allowed to be left as it is. Nothing escaped questioning. Nothing escaped critique.

Everything I ever believed crumbled under the weight of all the questions that kept piling on. All my "givens" were now being plucked out from their roots. I didn't know which ones I could plant back. I didn't know if I wanted any planted back at all.

Over 3 years, my reaction to this whole new system of thought kept changing.

It began with me trying to prove the validity of my thoughts on how the world functioned. Fail.

Confusion and anger replaced conviction.

Over time I learned the importance of questioning. The importance of not just accepting what you're told. The importance of shedding the "aye aye!".

Curiosity replaced confusion. The anger disappeared.

I was introduced to the concept of perception and how nothing we perceive is ever what is really is. It can't be. We see the world through lenses that are tinted with biases of language and culture and religion and society. Lenses that we cannot seem to shed.

Anger and helplessness crept back in. The curiosity, however, was here to stay.

Socialization.
Propaganda.
The Subliminal.
Colonization.

Colonization of my mind.
Colonization by those in power.
Colonization by those with means.
Colonization by those who don't care.
Colonization of MY life world.

Apparently, my thoughts were never mine to begin with. Not a good feeling.

The anger gave rise to rebellion. Questioning authority. Defying authority. Rejecting authority.

My train of thought had changed tracks completely. The world was a whole different place to me. The world inside my head and out.

Now, standing at the threshold of a new outside world, a world where all this theory is in practice, I see a fork in the road. One lane will lead me to peace and satisfaction. It'll let me do all the things I am passionate about. It'll let me live in what some call my "idealism". It'll be a tough trek, but it'll keep me happy. The other, will be the more luxurious one. It'll bring me money. It'll help me travel to places far and wide. It'll help me realize dreams I never thought could come true. It'll keep me happy. But it' may mean selling my soul. Bit by bit by bit...

I'm confused. I'm looking for a convenient middle path. I'm trying to finally, actually, make my own decisions. I'm looking for a direction to steer my life in.

I turn to the person sitting in the front seat.
I turn for guidance.
I turn for advice.
I turn for help.
I turn for an escape.
I turn for my decision to be made for me.

And just like that, I'm back to square one.